The Healing Factory
Anyone else in the room feel like they are that "go to" person? Whether it be with friends or relationships.......People are just drawn to you, because they know that when they come to you, they will end up with a solution, or at least closer to one than they were before you guys talked. In my 29 years of life, it has taken me each and every one of those years to learn to sit down....reflect......concentrate....and meditate on all the events in my life. Even being as torn, and damaged as I am, people still feel compelled to come and speak with me, about life. When it comes to my friends I am BEYOND honored, because they could have chosen anyone to approach with their questions, but they chose me and that speaks MAJOR volumes about my character and how I come off as a person. When it comes to relationships/dating however........I'm on the very "opposite" end of being flattered. I used to be that girl that would spend all of my hard earned money on a man, just because I felt like I was lucky to have one (given the circumstances that I was not only damaged, but had herpes to top it off with a cherry). I mean how dare I complain!!! I was a walking metaphor of "Damaged Goods"! I would call them up and offer to take them to the movies, or go out to dinner, or take a quick trip....just to have that company. I hated being alone, because it left me with nothing but time to think about the negatives in my life. I am and always have been a very affectionate person, so I just like to be in the company of someone I like that likes me back (or so I thought liked me back). These men would reply back to the "I miss you's" that I would send WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT!!!!!! Me being young, dumb, and the girl who listened to my friends.....I believed them. "Oh girl, he's a man, you know how they are"......yea.....right. I would date these guys......get into a REALLY happy place....only to quickly trip and fall........right into that sunken place.......the place I had to face WAY too many times to count. I knew that I could either go on and pretend like I had nothing to hide......or I could face that demon....ONCE again, and the moment things are going good, I have to reveal.....that I.......have herpes.....the very thing that so many crack jokes about, or turn their noses up to. I would always sit there with a ball of knots in my stomach, just waiting on the rage, or cuss words that would fly out of (whatever guy at the times) their mouth. I hated myself every time it got to that point, for even allowing myself to fall for yet another cliche'. Surprisingly enough, the guys would be okay with it...at least for a VERY short time. We would carry on dating, sex would go on as usual.....but then........after about a month.....it's just me reaching out with the good mornings, it's only me sending the I miss you's ....and before you know it.....they are gone without a trace. Ya'll I mean EVERY SINGLE GUY EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!!! These are guys whom I've helped build up, dated when they had nothing, and even helped achieve many goals.....only to go onto Facebook or Instagram.....or even hear from word of mouth, that they have a girlfriend!!!!!! THAT SHIZ HURTS MORE THAN Y'ALL WILL EVER KNOW!!! I was always told that I was "appreciated" for sticking by them when they were at their lowest....I was always told that I wouldn't be left high and dry like the last guy did me......but then they would treat me JUST LIKE THE LAST GUY.....IF NOT WORSE. Until recently, I had to realize that I was nothing more than a "healing machine". They came to me for comfort....to fill some sort of void....to help encourage them or build them up.......all for the next woman to come along and be claimed, and get that love that I was never gifted. I know I am not the only one who has housed a man's ego, and built him up.....so I won't sit here and dwell on it much.....but thought I would give you guys an inside look of just what I go through when and if I decide to open up my heart and allow someone inside. I have a kid now, and I know that alone can be tough also.......so dating is a big fat no for me right now. My trust is pretty much non existent and I always expect the worse to happen. I do know that one thing I'm not anymore, is a temporary healing factory.