It's been a few years since, I've posted and as you all are aware.......THE WORLD WENT TO POOP, not too long after my last blog! I was fortunate enough to be one of the lucky ones to contract the NOVEL Covid-19 virus.....but even more lucky to have survived it. I'm going to fast forward to this year though, as THIS is the year that has proven my theory %100 that..............THERE ARE FAR WORSE THINGS THAN HERPES!!!!!! Last year my skin started doing it's own thing, and I now suffer with acne like bumps on my arms, back, neck, stomach....you name it.......talk about a self esteem tanker! I've got pre-diabetic glucose levels -_- and my bladder may as well just throw itself into the nearest trash can. For those of you that can drink a glass of water and NOT have to go to the bathroom 5 times after that..... I loathe you! (JK....kinda). On a more serious note, I have been put to the test this year, and 2022 doesn't seem to want to let up any time soon. Trying to stay positive has turned into a let down almost every time, but I have this amazing gift of hiding it all. During all of this, it occurred to me that I had completely neglected my goal of tracking my journey to happiness, and became M.I.A to a few people. I am so happy to see so many people using tik-tok to share their stories and also coming out proudly about having the virus......that was always my goal....to help de-stigmatize the subject. Maybe I'll meet people with a similar skin condition along my revamped journey as well. I apologize now to those of you who looked forward to reading up on my posts and checking in, just bare with me.....I've been going through a tough time!
It is the month of October, and man did I choose the perfect month to say "be brave"......with all of the upcoming spooky ghosts and goblins, it may be a bit tougher than normal (hahaha). Any who, I am particularly speaking on life, and all of it's wonders in this case. Here lately, I have learned of so many more people that are in my shoes, and I am actually quite jealous of just how well, and how fast they were able to come to the realization that it isn't the end of the world!! I actually admire them more than they know! It was extremely and I mean EXTREMELY hard for me to come to terms with living with HSV.....it took me over a decade to do, what some of my friends and family were able to accomplish in a few mere days or weeks! I feared rejection (still do)....I feared ridicule (somewhat still do)....I feared being ALONE for the rest of my life. With me being 30 and having over a decade of self reflection time, it has gotten easier. I don't think the pain will ever fully go away, nor will my self doubt....AND I'VE LEARNED THAT, THAT'S OKAY!!! People normally only fear what they know nothing about. Once you give people a bit more insight and knowledge, they usually grasp the concept a bit better. There are TONS of people out there just like me.....just like you....sadly, many haven't been diagnosed "officially" with HSV and are out here living recklessly without a care in the world.....THOSE ARE THE SCARIEST OF PEOPLE. You should indeed enjoy your life, and take risks sometimes.....but not if affects someone else's life or their health. We've all done something risky, and more often than not...we had to suffer a consequence...some people's consequence dissolved after their lesson....others we have to carry with us for a long time. Either way, we've all taken a risk.
"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."
Ok ok......so CLEARLY (or I would hope it would be clear) I don't mean this in the literal form of having HSV and implying that it makes me look fat......(I will admit that my belly is NOT the flattest though LOL). So I and many others in my situation realize that this virus is NOT going to be everyone's cup of tea. Some may be fine with it.....others may look at you like you have feces smeared across your top lip!! This virus is for one, the furthest thing you will find to a "one size fits all", and what works for you may not work for another. Over the years, I have finally come to accept my fate. Not everyone is going to be willing to look past your flaws, and you can't force them to. Forcing only leads to destruction and heartache in the end. I may not like having it, but it definitely helps to weed out some immature and unnecessary bad apples. I often times forget my worth, and just how awesome I really am....I legit feel "unworthy" sometimes due to having the virus I let it get me down. After 10plus years, I have finally dusted myself off and realized that it doesn't change who I am as a person, nor does it make my value decrease. I am one of the most goofy people you will ever meet, and I have smiled through the days when I was feeling my absolute worst! If a person doesn't want to deal with you due to having HSV, or anything else that doesn't "suit them"....LET THEM LEAVE....hell open the door for them on their way out!!! People deal with what they want to deal with HSV or not! Consider it a blessing that they left, there's no telling just how toxic they would have been in your life! People come and people go, and what one person may find "unappealing" another may find MAGICAL!
When it rains, it pours....the saying holds more truth in my life (and I'm sure many others) more so now than it has in a good while. I try not to complain much because I have a roof over my head, my child is still breathing, and while I may not be able to take a MUCH NEEDED vacation every once in a while....I'm alive. The support group that I have, is a great one however, when they can't really feel where I'm coming from on a "personal" level....the words don't really help much. I get more peace from having a conversation with myself. I believe I am my own worst enemy at times and my most critical judger. We have to remember, that no matter how bad we have it there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse!! I believe the toughest battles are given to the toughest soldiers. When you feel like you're drowning, just remember that many of your enemies can't swim!! So just keep on pushing until you've reached that island of peace! I remember YEARS ago reading a quote that will/has always stuck with me. "To get to the rainbow, you must first put up with the storm and rain". Never been truer!! I believe we would never truly appreciate just how beautiful some things in life truly were, if we didn't have to work hard for it. April is almost over, and now is the time to start looking forward to all the beauty that May can bring!!
It's almost the end of February and let me tell ya'll, that this year has already tested my emotions in every way possible. Mentally, physically, and emotionally I have been put through it all! This is only 2 months in ya'll! I will say that, I also realized that I may not be the most bright when it comes to catching "jokes" or "insiders" but what makes me smile, is the fact that my social media friends are just as off as I am! hahaha! I made a post that I had gotten a promotion and how I had worked really hard for it, but I got the job! Anytime a person gets a promotion, it is an exciting time for them to advance in a new or already existing career. My promotion however, was a bit non traditional. I was actually the one who gave and both received the promotion. I had quite a few internal struggles and figured it was time to do better! It was/is time to put all of my "wants" into motion. It was/is time to make my dreams and sketches a reality! I started off pretty dang strong when it came to spreading awareness on my condition, but I fell by the wayside. I am hoping that everyone that "claimed" to be on my side and says that they are with me on this journey, continues to stay seated through not only the good, but the bad days as well. It's 2019 and I want nothing more than for everyone to overcome those obstacles, face all of those fears, defeat those battles, slay those demons, and do great things.
Happy 2019! New year new me!!!....Just kidding, new year same me....BUT new goals new outlook and new attitude! I never have been one to make these silly new years resolutions (because I knew good and dang well I was NOT going to keep it). Towards the end of last year however, something in me just....CHANGED. I was so sick and tired of not having control over my life, always feeling like I was hiding in the shadows, not feeling good enough, or feeling worthy of anyone or anything I encountered. I was sick of having that large lump in my throat every time I started to get comfortable around them, out of fear of what they may think of me, or how they may perceive me. The world makes it hard enough to love yourself as you are, and to sit back and watch those you love tear you down without even knowing was even tougher. I've had to learn to pick and choose my battles, and accept that once someone shows you who they are then you better believe them! Not everyone cares to use that thing we have called a brain or cares to enlighten themselves on the world around them. Not everyone is going to take your feelings into consideration nor will they care to. The end of 2018 has pretty much FORCED me to be stronger. There was NO DELETING THAT VIDEO when I posted it lol!! I found an online support group where I help many new comers from ALL OVER THE WORLD, and it is the greatest feeling ever!!! My page on Facebook has recently picked up more views and visits with people interested in learning or looking for encouraging words and I could not be more satisfied! My goal is for my daughter to never fear rejection as I once did, to never feel disgusted with herself as I sometimes STILL do, to not blame herself for the wrong doings of others, and to be stronger than I EVER WAS OR COULD BE. We only get one life ya'll, and I have FINALLY after years of sorrow, have decided to start living mine in the spotlight! After all, I turn 30 in just a few months!!!
Anyone else in the room feel like they are that "go to" person? Whether it be with friends or relationships.......People are just drawn to you, because they know that when they come to you, they will end up with a solution, or at least closer to one than they were before you guys talked. In my 29 years of life, it has taken me each and every one of those years to learn to sit down....reflect......concentrate....and meditate on all the events in my life. Even being as torn, and damaged as I am, people still feel compelled to come and speak with me, about life. When it comes to my friends I am BEYOND honored, because they could have chosen anyone to approach with their questions, but they chose me and that speaks MAJOR volumes about my character and how I come off as a person. When it comes to relationships/dating however........I'm on the very "opposite" end of being flattered. I used to be that girl that would spend all of my hard earned money on a man, just because I felt like I was lucky to have one (given the circumstances that I was not only damaged, but had herpes to top it off with a cherry). I mean how dare I complain!!! I was a walking metaphor of "Damaged Goods"! I would call them up and offer to take them to the movies, or go out to dinner, or take a quick trip....just to have that company. I hated being alone, because it left me with nothing but time to think about the negatives in my life. I am and always have been a very affectionate person, so I just like to be in the company of someone I like that likes me back (or so I thought liked me back). These men would reply back to the "I miss you's" that I would send WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT!!!!!! Me being young, dumb, and the girl who listened to my friends.....I believed them. "Oh girl, he's a man, you know how they are"......yea.....right. I would date these guys......get into a REALLY happy place....only to quickly trip and fall........right into that sunken place.......the place I had to face WAY too many times to count. I knew that I could either go on and pretend like I had nothing to hide......or I could face that demon....ONCE again, and the moment things are going good, I have to reveal.....that I.......have herpes.....the very thing that so many crack jokes about, or turn their noses up to. I would always sit there with a ball of knots in my stomach, just waiting on the rage, or cuss words that would fly out of (whatever guy at the times) their mouth. I hated myself every time it got to that point, for even allowing myself to fall for yet another cliche'. Surprisingly enough, the guys would be okay with it...at least for a VERY short time. We would carry on dating, sex would go on as usual.....but then........after about a month.....it's just me reaching out with the good mornings, it's only me sending the I miss you's ....and before you know it.....they are gone without a trace. Ya'll I mean EVERY SINGLE GUY EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!!! These are guys whom I've helped build up, dated when they had nothing, and even helped achieve many goals.....only to go onto Facebook or Instagram.....or even hear from word of mouth, that they have a girlfriend!!!!!! THAT SHIZ HURTS MORE THAN Y'ALL WILL EVER KNOW!!! I was always told that I was "appreciated" for sticking by them when they were at their lowest....I was always told that I wouldn't be left high and dry like the last guy did me......but then they would treat me JUST LIKE THE LAST GUY.....IF NOT WORSE. Until recently, I had to realize that I was nothing more than a "healing machine". They came to me for comfort....to fill some sort of void....to help encourage them or build them up.......all for the next woman to come along and be claimed, and get that love that I was never gifted. I know I am not the only one who has housed a man's ego, and built him up.....so I won't sit here and dwell on it much.....but thought I would give you guys an inside look of just what I go through when and if I decide to open up my heart and allow someone inside. I have a kid now, and I know that alone can be tough also.......so dating is a big fat no for me right now. My trust is pretty much non existent and I always expect the worse to happen. I do know that one thing I'm not anymore, is a temporary healing factory.
I'm not talking about the plate of food that's probably in your lap right now, but we'll get into that in just a second. About a week or so ago I went live on Facebook asking some of my friends a question that we should start asking ourselves more "Why do we tend to accept less than our worth"? I don't present myself enough with that question, because let's face it....it's a whole heck of a lot easier to just up and avoid it all together ESPECIALLY when you've been doing it your whole life....it's just second nature. Many of us, will accept mediocre style jobs and live paycheck to paycheck, mediocre relationships, just to say we have a boyfriend/girlfriend, and mediocre friendships, just to avoid being lonely. WHY THOUGH?! Some of us know that we deserve top notch and cream of the crop, but we settle for slop lacking substance and any nutritional value to our lives. We allow for these jobs to slowly eat away at our happiness, and we begin to literally DREAD the thought of getting up and clocking in. We allow for relationships to cloud or common sense and sight, and begin to slowly eat away at our confidence and self-worth. We allow our friends and all of their constant negativity, to slowly become a part of our lives, and before we know it we are also sad, mad and depressed over a situation that only our friends can get themselves out of. I like to compare that to being in prison. We have nowhere to go because we feel trapped in our situations. Torn between hurting someone you love/care about by just leaving......but also wanting to seek better and find our happiness. When you are in prison, you are served 3 square meals a day....You can't just go up to the line and say "I'm sorry but no chicken for me today, I'll have the steak". YOU GET WHAT YOU GET!!! The beauty for us is.....we are free....We don't "have" to accept what is given to us....but many of us do (myself included). We have to learn to put the plate down, and walk away! We do not HAVE to take what is given to us! We have control over our life and our happiness; we just have to work at regaining that torch. Rome was not....I repeat NOT built in a day, so the process may take some time....but as long as you work at it, and learn to put yourself and your happiness first, you can and WILL kick the plate!!! Check please!!
Soooo, on this post it may get a bit weird lol, but BARE WITH ME, I promise it will all make sense. Our bodies are some amazing works of art, both externally and internally! Did you know that our intestines are around 20 FEET LONG?! cool right?....but that leaves room for a CRAP LOAD of ....well CRAP!!! Doctors advise that a normal healthy gut should cause you to go #2 anywhere from 3 times a day, to 3 times a week. Anything less, and you may be dealing with some issues. Have you ever had a cramp or constipation due to being "backed up"? Everyone has at some point, and I am here to tell ya, that it is NOT FUN, comfortable, and it can become TOXIC! Same goes with dealing with our problems and issues externally! Ever been upset or mad about something, but you haven't been given the opportunity to deal with it, or resolve it so you just kind of leave it as a "to do" for later. Most of us have busy lives, from work, to parenting, to other unforeseen circumstances. Those issues prevent us from handling the stressors that need to be dealt with and in return "build up".....just like the crap in our colon. In this case you're gonna be dealing with a lot more than a hurt tummy. Holding in stress can cause acne, depression, and suicidal thoughts! YIKES! Another reason people keep what ails them "inside" is so that they do not step on any toes, or offend people. As an adult I have learned that YOU are the most important person in life, and have to deal with YOURSELF day in and day out, so if someone can't respectfully handle their part of contributing to your stress, then they need to be removed from your life. My biggest problem that I have been dealing with my WHOLE LIFE, is that I have always wanted to be "liked". I am guilty of being a people pleaser, and will put other peoples happiness, above my own. I don't ever expect anything in return, but the sad reality is....I never get anything in return....not ever. It would be nice to receive what I give in return. I am still working on learning the word "no", and not caring after it is said, but for whatever reason that is hard for me. I hope I am not alone on this journey to "self worth" and "happiness" and if anyone has any suggestions, or advice I AM ALL EARS! Don't let that toxic stuff BACK YOU UP!!!
Even though I have been open and "exposed" about my situation and living with HSV (aka Herpes) I myself and also others have still been asking if I was sure I wanted to be "that girl" that was going to risk it all and put myself out there, for the sake of complete strangers. I contemplate this on a regular basis, wondering if I really am strong enough to bare the load of not only my own problems but others as well. Oddly enough, I've had more familiar faces come and share their stories with me about similar stories more than i have strangers. I have to keep telling my self that it has been TEN years....A DECADE of living in straight MISERY and I was on the verge of completely losing it! This year I finally have had enough and feel as though NO ONE should have to live everyday feeling ashamed or as though they are a walking unwanted "bother". I legit figured I would probably do more good than harm by not even affiliating with people. By staying in the shadows, it would allow me to avoid being the topic of discussion, I could avoid being the butt off all jokes, and avoid being used or easily manipulated. I am completely ok with being the one to have fingers pointed at me, if that means another person in silence can remain at peace. I'm not doing this to please the nay-sayers, I'm not doing this to please anybody, I am doing this for that little girl or little boy without a voice! For those who don't feel as though they aren't strong enough or worth enough! So when the next person starts to ask me "Are you sure you want to do this?" or even when I start to question myself.....the answer is always going to be HELL YEA!!!!!!